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Struggle with myself. WARNING: Gets a bit TMI
centurion rory
I'm in this weird limbo area right now. (Well, when am I not, but that's not the point.) I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of trying to be confident and love myself and come to terms with who I am on one side and being painfully insecure, awkward, and shy on the other. Being around new people is helping somewhat, but it's also frightening. I'm going to a college party tonight. I'm scared, but not because I don't want to go or I feel like it's bad, but because I don't know a lot of people, I've never really partied, and my social anxiety is kicking in. I joined about 15 different clubs, including the GSA type club and a burlesque club (though I'm still deciding if I'm actually going to participate) and I really hope that'll all help. And I'm auditioning for a cappella groups tomorrow, so hopefully that'll go well. I just don't know where to draw my lines, how to find people to hang out with, what to do. I love a lot of the people here, but I still feel desperately alone sometimes.

Mostly, I want to have someone to love and who loves me. Erotic love, romantic love, platonic love. It doesn't really matter, though actually all three would be nice. And there's somewhere else I'm divided. Because I'm a pretty sexual person. I'm interested in a lot, and I think sex sounds like an awesome thing, and I'd really like to have some thanks. But I'm still a virgin, I haven't really done anything, never even been in a relationship. And that combined with my insecurities is bad news. Plus I'm not the hottest girl around. And I'm trying to get in shape, but man, it's hard. Maybe when my bike finally gets fixed...

I want someone to walk around campus with holding hands. I want someone to be able to hug when I'm down and when I'm happy and to just hold me and be close to. I want someone to have filthy, dirty sex with. I want someone to stay up til 3 in the morning talking with. I want someone to do some of the kind of things to me that wouldn't be okay if I didn't tell them they could. I want someone to cuddle with and sleep next to. I want someone to kiss for hours. I want someone that cares about me, that I can call when I freak out or am feeling lonely. Someone I can be honest with, who I can tell my insecurities too who will listen to them, and love me anyways. Someone who will tell me about their day. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful. Someone I can love.

Cause masturbation is great, but it's really not cutting it.


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