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Now you want to bridge the gaps, now you want that person back
centurion rory

Everyone should go listen to this song because it's amazing and gorgeous. I heard it first about a year ago when my friend Sammi sent it to me, and I loved it, but it came up on my iPod today, and I started crying because of how true it is for me now. Also, there are a couple different versions, and some better music videos if anyone cares. I picked this one because of the two extra lines in the second verse that make such a difference.

The person who you were has died
You've lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life into it's traps
And now you want to bridge the gaps
Now you want to bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

This. This is how I feel everyday. The struggle to try and get to me, the better, not depressed me. Who was there before, must be there somewhere still, but there's those gaps that seem impossible to cross.

And all your ammunition's gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don't know what you want to do
Cause what you want does not want you
If what you want does not want you
And you've got no pull to get you through

It's difficult for me often not because I feel like a failure for not being able to accomplish my goals, but because I don't have one. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know how to make myself happy or better, what to focus on to improve. And I'm scattered, without a purpose, and yeah, I've got no pull. When I was little, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a teacher, a singer or a musician, a camp counselor. And a lot of times when I do want something, I can't. I'm not good enough, I'm not able to. And that's so hard.

If what you've lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don't stop to let it pass you by
You gotta look yourself in the eye

I don't think this needs much explaining for me. It just rings true. I would like to say that I love that it says "no longer with the will to fly" instead of the will to fight. Cause it's not like I've lost the battle. Some days, every moment is a fight. But sometimes, it's not a fight at all, just sad and lonely. I haven't lost the will to fight. I've lost the will to fly, to be happy, to be free, to soar. And that one word difference is so beautiful.

This song. Ugh. Listening to it over and over again while I sob both from sadness and relief. I finally found the one song I connect with. Where I honestly and truly feel I can connect with pretty much all the lyrics and it feels fucking fantastic.

In other news, I have been feeling a bit better lately. I've been trying to get out of the house more, even just to go to Starbucks and buy some DVDs and drive around. It feels good though. And although the spending money is probably not good, I do enjoy that I now have Season 5 of Buffy, Serenity, and Milk. Gonna enjoy those. And I watched all the bonus stuff on Castle Season 1 DVD today. And omg, Jon Huertas and Seamus Dever doing commentary together is almost as awesome and adorable as their characters are together on the show.

And tomorrow my grandma's coming to visit for a few days, and then Thursday I'm going to my college for a new student thing, and I'm excited to meet my roommate in person, along with other people. So far, it's been a good week.


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